I am competitive. Hmmm. Could that be true? This person who has always taken a spot in the back? Who has always wanted to be invisible more or less? Who has never wanted to be challenged to prove what she thought was probably true deep inside, that she was as good as anyone else, but was afraid to find out by stepping out and being seen?
Competitive? Yes. I like to compete silently, quietly, unseen, comparing myself to those I see around me without letting them ever know I am secretly telling myself, "Oh look, I can do that. Maybe I can do that better than they do." But never wanting to have to stand up and prove that to be so.
So, now I am standing here, admitting to myself and all the world around me that I am competitive and that I am opening myself to that competition within and without by starting to share a little bit of myself with the world at large.
Finding words to put one beside the other and admitting that I am a closet writer and have been for many, many years, more years than I care to admit, although I am unafraid of my age these days. Age has nothing to do with this, except for the fact that now I have the time and energy to believe in myself a little more, to know myself a little better, to get past all of the fast and furious moments of the day and concentrate on what is really behind that - the me that is there - the me that has always been there, fermenting, bubbling away, growing more refined like a really good aged wine. Waiting on the shelf for the moment to come when the cork can be gently extracted and the fragrant liquid can be decanted into the antique crystal cut-glass container that catches the light and refracts it into so many spendid pieces and parts that marvel the eye.
"Here I am," I say. Ready to work to take my place in the world. Ready to be seen or at least to want to be seen. Ready to open the windows and let in the fresh air and the beauty of the world around me. Ready to challenge myself to be and do more and refine what I am and have always been. But ready to share my "me". Taking up the challenge to compete not so much with others, but with myself. Proving to myself that I deserve to be seen. Invisible no more!