Coffee & Cookies & Rain

The rain has been drip drip dripping from the smoky gray sky practically all the day long.  The drops make their way down the trees like marbles in a Mouse Trap game rolling down the branches, falling from one leaf to the next.  You can almost follow their path as the leaves dip down and spring up again while the raindrops make their progression from sky to ground.  There is no wind, no gentle movement side to side, just the constant downpour as though the faucet needs a new washer or the last person didn't turn the handle quite tight enough. Drip drip dripping all the day long, washing the earth, renewing its life, freshening everything it touches.

But days like this invite warmth in the kitchen.  They respond well to the oven heating up for the pan of homemade cookies filled with melting chocolate and crunchy nuts.  Days like this are so much better when the smell of coffee lingers in the air, hot and inviting, waiting to accompany the plate of warm cookies to the table.

Days like this when the rain drips and the cookies bake and the coffee scents the air are good days because we are warm and dry and we know the sun will return - eventually.

So have a cookie and dream of tomorrow.

Fresh Air

It was a gray day.  The leftovers of a night of rain cooled by 37 degrees.  The sky was hidden by the clouds, a solid layer of gloom that wouldn't allow even a glimpse of sunshine or blue sky which was surely lurking behind, waiting.  I promised myself and others that I would breathe the fresh air today.  So - cold or not, damp or not, I headed down the path into The Great Swamp Sanctuary, camera in hand. 

I had planned to carry my journal and purple pen along to stop frequently and sit on the benches and swings that artfully adorn the pathway, writing as I went, snatches of thought, special words that rhyme or complete a rhythm that pleases the ear.  But I left them at home, knowing it would be too cold and wet to sit.  So I contented myself with taking photos of whatever drew my eye.  Trees are bare this time of year, but the scenery remains intriguing none the less.

I knew I wouldn't spot alligators or loons or snakes - too cold.  They, in their ancient wisdom, are holed up sleeping away the dreary days until the Earth comes around close enough to the sun in its cycle to bring the warmth of Mother Nature's breath soothingly upon them once again.  But I was surprised pleasantly by the sound of the many, many birds that flitted from branch to branch and tree to tree.  They sang and talked and twittered to one another, their own social network, warning of my encroaching presence or making friends that might follow them to springtime's lure of love and nests and eggs and babies.  The ever turning cycle of life.

I walked and took pictures and breathed in the cold sharp smell of the damp earth, and felt satisfied and glad that I had come.

Wishcasting Wednesday

What Does Your Soft Inner Animal Wish?

The first one or two wishes that I wrote were easy to write. They were straight forward wishes and I could look easily at myself and write about what I wanted. Confidence. Perseverence. Self-control. All easily asked for and all obvious needs.

This time I feel like I am being asked to see the small frightened creature, the soft inner animal, that resides within - deep deep within my body, hiding from the world, hidden in among the curls of my intestines, making its home near the beating of my heart; feeling the whishing and swishing of blood through my veins, hearing the thump-a-thump of my heart all the day and night with every breath that I take. It holds one frightened hand on my heart and squeezes every time I try to take a bold step forward making my blood pressure rise and my fight or flight response kick in.

I am afraid to look too closely at this creature inside me. I am afraid if I shine the light too brightly upon it, it will become blind with rage and anger and frustration and dig more deeply into my bowels hiding from my probing thoughts. And what is the point anyway? What does that little frightened creature want? Apparently it doesn't want to be seen, it doesn't want to be out in the light. It hides. It is ashamed. It is fearful. It clings to what it already knows and does not wish to be challenged to try something new because it might fail. It might not be so perfect. It might not be so proud of itself.

Or is it sitting inside my being, nagging me to move forward. Needling me from within to try something new. Is that little creature the one who tickles my stomach when I get nervous, and jumps up and down on my heart to pump it up and get it beating faster and faster until I have to speak, to sing, to write, saying what is truly within me? Is it that little creature within me that goads me on to new things?

How do I feed that little creature within? What does he seek that will make my life better? I know if I feed him the steps toward being a better musician, a better singer, a better friend, a better writer, a better mother and daughter, in small bites he hums gently within me. It is only when I think of taking those giant steps forward that he groans and moans and wails, sinking his claws into my innards and making me stop my forward movement to regain my ability to breathe.

So, what does my soft inner animal wish for? I guess both of us are wishing for small and true steps toward the greater goal of being better at what I love: A better writer, a more creative and thoughtful person, a more confident musician and singer.

What is your soft inner animal wishing for today?

Wishcasting Wednesday

What do you wish to fly away from?

Responding to Jamie Ridler's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt.  Usually the responses to these prompts lead me to something positive.  This time I am wishing to rid myself of negative things, especially compulsive behaviors. 

I wish to rid myself of the compusions to:
Overeat.
Eat all of the wrong things.
Speak when I know I shouldn't.
Worry about things that are completely and utterly out of my control.

So, with each new day, and each new effort to change my forward movement, I will conquer these things, making myself a stronger me.  How about you?

Wishcasting Wednesday

What do you wish to step into?

I wish to step into confidence in my talents and abilities.  I wish to learn and grow, knowing that continuing to develop a practice will create a space for the focus that is missing right now.

I wish for the focus that is needed to write the way I want to write and share the way I wish to share.

I wish to encourage and be encouraged by all of those around me who have already found the path I am seeking, and who have their feet firmly planted on it, stepping forward day by day, project by project, friend by friend.

I wish that all those who are wishing today may receive the blessings they desire.

Very First Blog Post 2010

Dear Mom,

Thank you for being my mother; for loving me always and never giving up on me.  Thank you for seeing me through the gawky teen aged years when I longed to fit in, but didn't, and for standing by me when I was a college student hiding my talents because I didn't want to stand out; to be noticed; to be different.

Thank you especially for supporting me through the turmoil of years in a bad marriage.  You knew things were not good, not the way they were supposed to be, even when I was still unable to admit it.  You were always there when I needed you, providing an open ear and as much support as you could muster and I could receive. 

Your steadfast confidence in me has been my North Star and kept me on course through the last twenty years when I was raising your grandchildren alone and trying to make a living, writing and studying in the wee small hours of the morning, and singing like a caged bird.

Now, in your later years, it is my privilege to care for you; to become the vault for your memories, slipping away from your mind and leaving you frustrated and forlorn.  I will hold your hand as you have held mine and we will continue to pass the time together, mother and daughter, great-grandmother and grandma, completing the circle of life assigned to us by God himself, sharing tears and happiness together.

Thank you, Mom, for showing me the way and giving me the freedom to sing.

Love,

Your daughter, Lynn



Looking at the history of my blog with Jamie and Shannon for Kickin' It Old Skool Blog-a-thon!

Coming Out of My Shell

I will be ready to start my new journal sometime in the next few days.  It is always a happy thing for me to begin a fresh book.  It is rewarding to see that I have filled all those blank pages with multi-colored words.  Sometimes they are really good words, sometimes they are achingly sad words, sometimes they show great joy.  Sometimes my words are wonderful and share exactly what I am feeling and what I know to be true about myself and the world around me.  Sometimes they show just how lost and alone I feel.  But all in all, they tell a story of the 'me' that very few people really know. 

I'm not ready to open my journals to show anyone that 'me', but I am happy to share once in awhile a quick short glimpse into that person.  Most of the time I am all smiles and laughter, trying to be encouraging to all those around me.  Then there are times when I see the frightened little girl who is afraid to share her biggest dreams because they are bigger than she is; bigger than what she can hold in a bread box.  But the frightened little girl is trying so very hard to break free and sing aloud in the grocery store and laugh at the rain and open herself to the fear and excitement of new friendships.  She is trying to bolster herself and become more than she is - more than she has been.  More than other people see.

I want to look down into the stream and see the jewels that lie below the water's surface, embedded in the sand and silt below.  I want to see the jewels of my life, not the dull rocks that I have been seeing in the past.  I want to lift them out of the cold water and polish them until they gleam, reflecting the sun's rays and glittering in my hand.  I want to show people that I can be a precious gem, not just a dull rock.  I am struggling to find the way to do that.  I need to move myself forward and discover the right path for me, where my words make sense and my songs are glorious and filled with joy.  I am searching and trying.  I am wandering and wondering.  I am practicing and praying.  I am moving forward. Even though my feet feel mired in the muck, I am moving forward. 

Want to join me?